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Letters to My Younger self: 15 years old

 Dear Racquel


I want to tell you, I love you! you are beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving and strong. The level of intelligence you possess will be your foundation as you grow into a young woman. I need you to take your health seriously, you only have one body, take care of it. Eat better, exercise more and take time to let go of the hurt. BE KIND TO YOURSELF!  This is a very difficult time in your life.  Gabriel is 6 months old, your world is different and you have no clue what to do. You are only 15 years old, most adults couldn't have handled such stress.

You felt lonely and abandoned by so many but you must remain strong. Do not take it personal. They are growing too. All the trauma you have endured scarred you and you developed an angry demeanor.  It is ok to be angry and you will realize that it will not benefit you to stay angry.   There are rivers of emotions that you will have to sojourn tirelessly through, alone and you will make it. Yes, your parents are there to support you and help you raise your son but you feel alone and cast aside, lets just acknowledge that dark space in your life. I just want to reassure you that you will get through those rivers.  Remember prayer will be your biggest refuge. Do not feel bad about not being able to go to the parties and not being able to hang out with " Friends". Focus on raising Gabriel and excelling academically. Friends will come and go in your life, let them leave. Some of those friendships will do more harm than good and cause you more truma. Just learn to let go. 

One thing I will repeat to you is to not to be so hard on yourself, you are very young and naive. Someone you trusted took advantage of that trust. Then coupled it with the fact you didn't know any better. You blame yourself for so much and for so long but have never truly forgiven yourself for any of the decisions you made. You took the time to forgive others but you did not take the time to look in the mirror and say "Racquel I forgive you for making poor choices." I want to provide you with some solace that it is ok to forgive yourself. 

I want to tell you, that you do not have to walk with your head hung low like you are now.   Remember your Mother's encouraging words" your life is not over because you have had a child at a young age."  she is right, it isn't. Life is so much more than what you think it is right now. Life is full of ups and downs and you will make it through it all.  Many tried to shame you and you have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. I am sorry you never really got the therapeutic help you needed after you gave birth at 14, but take comfort in the idea that you grow past the trauma and become stronger. 

No one is to blame for you not getting the therapy you needed, this event was traumatic for everyone in your family and Gabriel was the priority. Your parents are navigating unknown territory just as you are, so offer them some grace as well.  Your tenacity is what drives you hold on to that.  Be yourself, love yourself and cherish the happy times while understanding boundaries. 

Boundaries are very important. It is ok to say no, it is ok to put yourself first. You aren't selfish. Also you need to respect the boundaries of others. Just because someone tells you no or doesn't agree with your ideas, doesnt mean they do not love you. Everyone is not your friend. Learn to guard your heart, the true intentions of others always come out so be careful, not everyone deserves a second chance. I wish I could hug you! but know that I love you and want nothing but the best for you. 


Love Future You!

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