Happy New Year!
I know it has been a long while. Life has been such a whirlwind and it took me for a wild, yet wonderful ride. There have been ups and downs that enabled me to grow as a woman.
My thoughts are forever flowing with vivid memories but this particular post is not really about parenting. This one is more so for those who may have been seen as the underdog due the decisions that they made early on in life. I was an underdog, a statistic. When I became pregnant it was a shock to everyone, even me. Some people were loving and supportive, while others were judgemental and down right mean, not only to me, but my parents. I developed this complex, that I never realized I had. I thought that I had to prove myself successful to those who looked down on me. I needed them to see they were wrong. I was determined to show them that my life was not over. In order for me to do this, I knew I needed a plan. So, I created one.
The plan was not going to be easy but I knew I had to make it. I had to be more than what anyone thought I could be. School had to be my focus. Growing up we had food, clothes and shelter. All of which my immigrant parents provided through hardwork and dedication. I always wanted to go to college because I had visions of becoming a lawyer. When I became pregnant, that dream was slightly adjusted . Thanks to my parents and their unwavering support I was able to finish high school and college without any addition time. I used to think that was a big accomplishment but it was not, I needed and wanted to do more. It was hard because there were days I did not want to continue with anything, much less finish school. I was tired and overwhelmed but I never truly lost sight of my goal. All the while I still had this complex that I had something to prove.
I had "friends" ,but they were living their lives, partying, traveling, doing what early 20 somethings should do. I do not fault them for being who they wanted to be, however, I could not do any of that. At least not as freely as them, without thinking of my son. It was difficult at times and lonely. I blamed myself so much for the life that I had. It was all my fault, I was naive and gullible, it took time and redirection for me to understand that it was not totally my fault. I did not expect them to be understanding of that because they were trying navigate their own emotions and growing pains. There was no room for empathy on their part and now, upon further contemplation that, maybe I expected too much from them. How can they cherish a friend or see my worth when I never truly understood it myself ? I had to value me more than they ever could. Seeking validation from them to prove I was good enough, to prove that I am worthy of friendship love was too much of a burden. Plus I still had a plan and goals to accomplish. There was not much time for that type of self reflection. I had to keep pushing.
After graduating college at 21, I took a break. My mother kept encouraging me to return to graduate school and get my advanced degree. I knew I had to but I wanted to take my time. I kept pushing, feeling as though I needed to prove my worth. Well into my 20's, I continued to feel ashamed that I humiliated my parents as a teen when I got pregnant. I wanted to show, not only them but the world I was worth something. I was not finished. Let not get it twisted, my parents in no way ever made me feel like I owed them or that I was never going to be anything, it was the world, people in it and the negative thoughts I had about myself. "You are not finished", I used to hear my mother say. It became ingrained in my brain. I attached my self-worth to my accomplishments and I should not have.
This feeling began to spread into other areas of my life and I never realized how much it affected me. It was embedded into how I functioned in my friendships as well as my intimate relationships. It did not benefit me in the long run because I neglected to see me and my value which are separate from my accomplishments. I sat in my car today on my way to work and cried real tears, why, because I realized I do not owe anything to anyone, anymore. Meaning, I have built a decent life in which my son is a functioning adult. I am a functional woman with a career. I have paid my dues. I have become my dream. I am not rich in money but I am rich in education, pride and peace. I have accomplished everything I have set out to do and then some and if no one ever acknowledges that, I always will. Let this encourage you to be your best self and know that your accomplishments do not define your worth.
Comments
Post a Comment