I hope you were able to read part 1. I made every attempt to not slander the gentlemen who I made mention of. My purpose is to bring light to the various test and trials that we, well I, myself, an non-typical emptynester has experienced as a single woman. I know I am not alone. I know that these are all apart of the dating experience but damn, lets face it, these scenarios are discouraging and depressing. It can be so difficult to maintain a positive attitude when you are alone. Friends do not always understand. They do not always lend caring words because they honestly cannot. It is not necessarily a reflection of who they are as a person however, it still leaves a void left to be filled. Sometimes, the evil negativity monster creeps into my head. This monster makes every attempt to wreak havoc in my mind. Making me think I am the issue in these situations or even to question my worth. When these moments arise I have to shoot that monster dead. I shoot it with gratitude. I shoot it with positive affirmations. I have to know my worth and constantly self-reassure. So many what if's?, and why not now? I still believe love is out there.
Now, Ok, take a deep breath. Let all that sink in...
This instance of horror will have you confused. I was confused as well. It was a strange interaction but a lesson nonetheless. Trust me, I have so many more stories but these are the ones that were the most jaw dropping. So, there was this young man, we met through Facebook. During conversation he proclaimed he was in the education field. If I remember correctly, he said he was a teacher. Intrigued, I began to engage him in further conversations. "You know I'm an educator as well", I mentioned with slight enthusiasm. This was due to the lack of viable dating options in my profession. The eligible bachelor teacher pool is very slim based on my experience. After a few more conversations, a red flag arose and my "spidey senses" began to tingle. "Mr. T" (as we are going to name him), tried to finesse his way into my heart or pants, I wasn't too sure which one he wanted first but that uncertainty lead me to do some research. There is a public website, where you are able to look up current certification holders and limited details about their state issued certification . All you need for the search is an individual's first and last name. In researching, it was found that, "Mr. T" was not the type of educator that I was. He was a different type educator. Ultimately, "Mr. T", wouldn't share the same responsibility that I would in the classroom. His role was more of an senior teacher's assistant. That's not to say that he would not have the same abilities or effectiveness in providing instruction as any other seasoned educators. Frankly, it's that he would not be held to the same level of responsibility or accountability that a regular classroom teacher would be. I felt like he tried to pull on over on me, an insult to my intelligence. I felt like he was a liar. It was a red flag, like I had suspected. There were other flags, mostly yellow ones but those were compromisable due to their prevalence. I ignored the yellow flags because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Deciding to change my approach. I normally would not engage in conversations in which I explain why I will no longer be speaking to him. This time I chose to have this difficult conversation with him, just so he could hear how I felt. I explained that I decided to not continue getting to him. Citing the yellow and red flag as compelling reasons. Legitimately, it was the red flag that pushed me over the edge. In the past, I have ignored light red to big blaring red flags before. The end results were horrific and damaging. There was no way in the world I was venturing down that path ever again. "Mr T" was not happy about that. He became emotional, clearly not accepting of my decision. In other words he was in his feelings. At one point during our conversation, he mentioned, as a last effort to convince me to continue getting to know him, "I'm an educator. I could show you a picture of my certification." I explained, once more, in a different way, how I felt. I expressed that I would not be able to trust him. I then declined the offer for the picture. He finally conceded but never admitted he was not a regular classroom teacher. We ended the conversation with me thinking he would never contact me again. Oh was I wrong. He called me three additional times afte. So after the last outreach attempt I decided to block him. I have not heard from him since.
Bonus Story!
Oh, I forgot about this one. It is an hilarious one, well at least to me it's pretty funny. We shared a mutual friend. He is an older gentleman. In this age of social media, we followed each other and were social media "friends". He would like a picture here and there. He would comment here and there as well. However, he would never directly engage with me one on one. As time progressed he would pop up here and there. We continued to have minor, meaningless interactions via social media. One important instance that I can vividly recall begins with him slide into my DM's. He suggested we should get together for drinks. Unfortunately, he never really followed up on the offer. So we never met up for the drinks. I should have took that as a sign but I ignored it and thought he became busy. Things were quiet for a little while after. Randomly, I posted a picture on this same sites. Shortly after posting I received a message. The message read, "Your beauty captivated me, I had to say something." Here's my number, we can, you know talk sometime." We were talking over the pandemic, which was nice. I was home alone, my son was in Virginia for Army training. When you're in the getting to know you stages, there will be many questions. Right? I thought it was important to asks surface yet detail oriented question. It is apart of my process and just makes sense. How else am I supposed to get to know you? One evening we were on the phone, I began asking " Mr. W" questions. Simple questions, like, what's your favorite color? Or what is a pet peeve of yours? " Mr. W" did not seem to appreciate my line of questioning.
He was mildly evasive with these questions. When the questioning became a little more invasive, he sounded impatient and disconnected. Eventually, I became frustrated. No matter how much I was trying to get to know him he was dipping and dodging the questions. There was no real revelations about his personality or who he was as a man. He was boring and lacked depth. Very disappointing. He even asked me why I was asking all these questions. Like are you for real sir? Is this a joke? Come out Ashton and stop playing. I felt like I was on and episode of Punked. He felt there was no need for me to "interrogate" him during the conversations. I was confused and I laughed to myself. I found that insinuation of interrogation unusual. Gradually, I stopped calling and texting. So did he.
People would think in 2020, or even now in 2021, that dating would be easier. It is most definitely not easy. You would think there are would be a plethora of options for me as an educated woman. I envisioned myself as a prime candidate for dating. I was and still am confident about who I am. I was able to have a son, be a mother and still have a career. I am an educator, there is longevity in my field. I am able to support myself, I have grown and am growing as a person. You would think that I would be a ideal woman to engage in a courtship. This has not always been the case and it is very discouraging. I am human. Thoughts wonder, the negativity monster rages as I mentioned earlier. Keeping in mind that I someone who people want in their corner is important to me, it helps me to maintain focus. I know a few woman like myself. Great women.Yet, they are still single and waiting for someone to match their energy. Men were not taking time to get to know me. Seeing me as more than just another sexual partner was not in their sights. I've come to the realization with plenty of trial and error that all men are visual and sexual being. That is ok, men and women are alike in some senses and visual and sexual appeal are one of them. What I had to understand and realized was that sometimes it's not about me. I did not say or do anything wrong, they were just showing me who they were and I did not need that in my life. The disconnect was more about the other person and what they wanted in that moment. Keeping these idea in mind, reminds me that I just need to keep my boundaries. Understanding that keeping my expectations of myself are also important. I should never deviate from them to gain a man's attention. Everyone wants to have their way but not put out anything for it and it doesn't work that way.
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